that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
