remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
