My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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