If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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