You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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