somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
