i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
