Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
