i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
