just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
