So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
