Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
