By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
