If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
