i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
