Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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