in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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