My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
