I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
