Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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