You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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