It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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