I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
