naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
