I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
