I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
