Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize