he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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