Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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