btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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