You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Randomize
