She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
