It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize