He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize