Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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