I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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