Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
