It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
