Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
