Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
