she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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