I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
