his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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