Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
