You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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