you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
