answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
