I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His hands were made for my vagina.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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