I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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