We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
