Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
