Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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