It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
