if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
