If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
