i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize