I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
