I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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