Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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