my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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