she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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