that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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